Nocturnal Journal

Paranormal Romance Author
Mandy M. Roth
Vampires, Werewolves & Faeries...Oh My!
Monday, March 14, 2005
It's Raining Men....

Hello 30. Goodbye body.
I’ve been thirty for ten days now and I’m thoroughly convinced that gravity is doing it’s best to get a head start on making me trip over my own breasts but hey, why the hell not? I’ve been having long talks with my ass in hopes that it won’t mistake the back of my leg as a resting spot. The last thing I want is for my legs primary function to become acting as ass stilts for me so cross your fingers. The irony of turning thirty is I am now in the ‘sexual prime’ of my life. Some sadistic bastard thinks that is funny out there. I so hope you and Dole have to start doing commercials together!
It’s sad when Low Rider continues to play in my head when I look in the mirror. Is that an omen? Should I call a surgeon now? I could be the six million dollar woman, stronger, faster and have that super cool chaa, chaa, chaa noise going on in the background while I’m on the treadmill. I could so kick big foot’s ass.
Seriously though, it hit me that I was not longer the girl I used to be when I set up compilation lists to play while writing. I ran across some old tapes a while back and had to laugh at the difference. I’d like to say it’s because I’m maturing not because my taste in music sucks.
My idea of sexy songs went from Boom Boom (let’s go back to my room) to Sexual Healing. I so bought Lionel Richie and Kool and the Gang the other day. I spent years making fun of my mother for listening to this stuff. Now, this gives me a wonderful idea. Since I spent so long on my Christmas wish list, I think I’ll do a ‘just turned 30 one’ now too.
Men who cannot handle the following need not apply for entrance into the male petting zoo I’m starting for horny women of the world to go. It truly would be the happiest place on earth. I’ve already decided to play It’s Raining Men non-stop there while I sit and do "research" for my next book.

To apply, you must meet the following requirements:
  1. Must be willing to dance to KC and the Sunshine Band with a straight face without looking as though you are seizing.
  2. Must firmly believe that Feel Like Making Love is one of the most beautiful songs you’ve heard.
  3. Must be able to keep pace with Salt-N-Peppa’s Push It. We don’t care if you have back issues or if you are no longer twenty. Keep up or get out of line.
  4. On slower days INXS’s Need You Tonight will be accepted in place of Push It but don’t expect slow days to happen too often.
  5. If we decide that we want a cowboy for the day, you must know the words to at least one one country song and you must look like Toby Keith or Tim McGraw in the hat. Conway Twitty look-a-likes will be turned away at the door.
  6. If you truly believe you’re the gangster of love, prove it and we’ll think about letting you love our peaches. Tree shakin' is still under consideration.
  7. You must be able to us take on a Magic Carpet Ride and we better enjoy the ride. We don’t want the lil’ carpet that could. We want the big carpet that did.
  8. Must find dancing to Pigeonhead’s Battle Flag as fun as we do. If you do, we’ll treat you to something special while that beat is still pumping.
  9. Must know when, if ever, it’s acceptable to play Prince’s Cream, When the Doves Cry or Kiss. We reserve the right to never explain the correct moments, if any.
  10. In the event you find yourself sleeping outside, you must hold a boom box (mp3 players with adequate speakers are permitted) above your head while playing Ain’t No Sunshine (when she’s gone) by Bill Withers or any Foreigner song. I think they must have been kicked out a lot. Every friggin' song they have could work.
  11. If you make us think of Bee Gee songs you MUST look as good as John used to look in those polyester pants as he shook his ass on the dance floor.
  12. If Mony Mony comes on and you aren’t standing behind us ready to grind in two point two seconds you will be fired.
  13. Must never mention we’re too old to want to hear Let’s Go All the Way when we’re going all the way.
  14. When we ask you to list one Hall & Oats song that makes you think of us, you had better NOT list Maneater or Rich Girl. Pssst…I personally like One on One.
  15. Must fully understand that bringing When A Man Loves A Woman into the equation when in trouble will not win you points with us. It will win you a swift kick in the ass. Bring it in when we aren’t mad at you and you’ll have less of a chance at pissing us off to begin with.
  16. Ninch Inch Nails must be perfectly acceptable music to play while your parents are visiting.
  17. Must understand that we reserve the right to change these rules without notice and that all men let into the petting zoo to be displayed for women must look good in a loincloth and/or leather pants.
I’m so NOT proofing this. I hate edits. Give me this moment to screw up and not need 4 billon edits. LOL
(30, aging as we speak and screening applicants for Zoo registration, Looking into acceptable names now.)
posted by mandymroth @ 1:23 PM  
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