Nocturnal Journal

Dear Santa,

I’m writing to you in hopes that I will find a man with the following traits/interests under the tree come Christmas morning:

1. Enjoys the sound of Nine Inch Nails blaring while I clean.
2. Can tolerate 80’s music.
3. Does NOT believe that Mozart, Tchaikovsky, Bach & Beethoven sound identical. Also, does not mind if I clean to this instead. Also, cannot think the music originated from the “Beef: It’s what’s for dinner” commercial. Must NOT believe Fantasia is the easiesr way to learn about classical music.
4. Likes wine and does not think that buying me a bottle of Boones qualifies as good wine.
5. Must be willing to have a glass of wine with me while I put in old black and white movies, turn the sound down and make up my own version. Must also be willing to sit on the floor while we do this.
6. Must not laugh when I say I want to watch MY FAIR LADY again. (or the Wizard of Oz)
7. Must know more about cars than where the gas goes. I’m not asking for much here. I’d settle for understanding where the wiper fluid goes. Oh, and he must also get the fact that a brand new truck still needs oil changes and does NOT dub as a garbage can.
8. Must not only be willing to wear a black turtleneck/ribbed long sleeved shirt, v-neck with or without undershirt, but enjoy the experience as well.
9. Does not wear underwear with holes in them. OR t-shirts that are shredding as we speak.
10. Must not believe that tossing on a pair of black combat boots and staying in your pajama bottoms is acceptable store attire.
11. Must enjoy wearing the cologne I buy him. Hugo Boss fan myself. Others tend to bother me. Sneezing is never fun, Santa so be sure he understands this.
12. Must not find my affinity for black attire odd. And must not think a woman is sexiest when she looks like a deadhead.
13. Must not think Molly Ringwald is the sexiest woman in the world.
14. Must not be obsessed with Anne Coulter.
15. Must understand that I do understand politics. I just don’t like talking about them ALL the time.
16. Must not call home every thirty minutes to ask for updates regarding political information.
17. Must understand that when I’m quiet, I’m not mad at him. I’m just quiet. It happens. It’s rare but there.
18. Must not try to hug me ALL day. Must not expect me to hug him all day. Must understand that it is possible for two people to interact while not holding hands or hugging.
19. Must fully understand #18.
20. Does not require cuddling after intercourse.
21. Does not attempt to “help” with household duties unless proficient in the finer art of NOT shrinking my clothes.
22. Understands I am a bitch and does nothing to change this. And is not surprised that I not only never grew out of it, I got better at it.
23. Does not think the perfect woman is a redhead who enjoys making sloppy joe’s, frozen pizzas, pizza rolls, two gallons of ice tea a day. All while wearing a long flowery dress.
24. Likes asparagus, artichoke hearts, chicken more than steak, coffee (lots of coffee), hearts of palm, and anything else I’m doing at the moment.
25. MUST like to read. And NO I do not expect him to like what I write. I just expect him to enjoy some sort of reading (other than Calvin and Hobbs).
26. Must not try to send me away when I’m trying to explain the finer points of forensic science.
27. Must not think that my having an extensive collection of material on every subject makes me a closet nerd.
28. Does not think that singing the song “Mandy” to me is original.
29. Must enjoy golfing with the guys.
30. Must be willing to out with his buddies.
31. Must be fine with me going out with the gals.
32. Understands that I love him even though I don’t remember to say it often (okay, almost never).
33. Understands that I am sarcastic about everything in life.
34. Must not ask me to stand in line for Star Wars movie tickets.
35. Must not think Monty Python’s Quest for the Holy Grail is the best movie ever.
36. Must be willing to watch 80’s movies with me when I get the notion. Must think it’s funny to randomly toss out a movie quote. Example: “I want my two dollars.”
37. May like football, but does not count the days down until his Sunday Ticket begins.
38. His mood on the weekend may not be determined on how well his team did.
39. Must entertain the idea of going to plays with me.
40. Must want to go sit a Chinese food restaurant before heading over to a independent movie house to watch a foreign film.
41. Must be willing to embrace my freakiness.
42. THIS IS THE BIGGEST—must be tall dark and handsome. Blonds need not apply. LOL.

That’s about it, Santa. Hope I’m not being too greedy.

Mandy (who has been a very naughty…err…I mean good girl this year)